I may have lost it last week which left me doing my normal screams and crying to your Mr. Sparkly Eyes. I know this would be your sport too, if you were still here. I so badly, wanted my little sidekick and partner in crime. That about broke my heart right then and there. I day dream of leaving this fucking life behind because sometimes my sadness is just too heavy and too much. "Ronan" was released on September 8, 2012, as a charity song by Taylor Swift. I cannot get rid of your bed and the Master Yoda that hangs above it. Its been a long and busy day. Its Humanity. She told me had you had this at birth, it would have been so microscopic that nothing would have shown up. I, of course went to, Oh fuck. Thank you to all of my rad hometown babes who worked so hard to get this all done. I had no idea that I had little runners in our family! Fucking cancer. The cancer had not spread and was confined to just that one area. And if they do get cancer, there should really be better treatments and options. He said some more things to me that I wont repeat, but left me saying, How do you know that? I told him they were my favorite boots ever. (but dont tell Poppy. I buried my head into the steering wheel and just gave into everything I needed to let out. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. Every day is hard without you, but this time of the year there seems to be a shift about me that I cannot control. Please keep your Poppy sister safe. Of course I listened. I had my iTunes on. Your costume. Please. Eager and passion are both things I feel from her. You were just so happy being home with all of us. A lot of my blog readers have been posting that you said you wanted a baby sister. Happily. That you had to be robbed of our beautiful time together. It was Dr. Schwartz telling me that she just got the flu shot in and she was highly recommending that I get one. Gosh, how I loved to embrace your little spicy rebellious ways. The entire tree is going to be blue and white. I think Im dying. He promised me that I was indeed not dying and to stop overdoing everything. So good. Everything I do is for you. It is so a sport you would have kicked ass at. Quinn was over the moon. Lying in bed for the past year, would not have made you proud. Through her tears she told me she was sorry, but how proud she was of all the things we are doing. Ronan. I cried after I dropped your brothers off at school, I cried over every single Taylor Swift song that came on the C.D. Its all I can do just to survive it. As in really hard. I know he will keep her safe. Even the weather agrees. I wander in it during the day, looking at the last drawing you did on your easel with a permanent marker on the chalkboard when I told you to use chalk so you wouldnt ruin it. Ronan. Only one other living thing survived and that was the poppy, flowering each year with the coming of the warm weather. Its so funny. And now has to stay here and is expected to go on with this so called life. Alright, Ronan. Ive been living off of pie. Alone. 2o minutes after taking that evil little pill and I remember our last moments together. I think she was sobbing on the phone while she tried to talk to me about the decision I made to go out there and if I had actually thought it through. I had a nice thing happen to me today. He laughed at that. How awesome would that be? You are going to make the best grand poppy ever. Come to my office. I met him there. I told her I knew. Once in a formal setting and once again, outside of her office. I poked my head up out of bed to get a peek at your daddy who was stripping sheets, washing blankets, and tending to your brothers. I feel disconnected from everything and everyone. This year, I know the things in my life that I will be thankful for and my list wont include stupid black friday. 0 faves. She responded with, It might just be the BEST news ever. I called her. I had visions of organizing a protest outside the White House. I am doing the only thing I know how which is leaving this all in the hands of you. She helped me get through the day. Why would I want to break it anymore? I dont think you ever knew you were going to die, Ronan. We are going to go to dinner when they get home. There is not a part of me that is doing any of this for myself because I dont live for myself anymore.This life I live now is not about me anymore. Ronan. I was only there, for you. They are such good little boys. Complainers are everywhere. She called around to a few places. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. I told your daddy if I had a month, uninterrupted, I could finish it, easily. Grief, reality, Inferno Fuckwad Bob, were all there waiting for me. ! because thats what I totally felt like. I dont tolerate it. I am not used to living a life where I am physically chained to my bed. The song was supposed to be on her original RED album, but her record executive, Scott Borchetta, did not think it would be a good fit for the album, so she released it as a stand-alone single to help benefit cancer charities. No sleep needed. She grabbed my hand and said, I promise you, we are going to make your dream, a reality. Alright little man. I am so tired of this life without you. THANK YOU. I told him I need at least 30 more years of him here. In a way, I wanted that to be true but I know after tonight, that this wont ever be the case. . So funny. 6 would have been absolutely perfect in this so-called imperfect world that does not exist if you have all of your kids, healthy and living. Stop making everything so much more complicated than it really is. With a lot of different things. I saw things that you dont even know about. I will forever go on searching for you in this messed up world full of things that dont make sense. Charisma. thru it all he still puts a smile on his face and the courage i see within him is just beyond amazing! For those of you who have been trying to order some things on our Big Cartel site, I SO apologize. I went with Stacy and Fernanda to shop for your Christmas Tree that we are putting up this weekend at PCH. Ronan. Ro and Mr. Sparkly Eyes tonight. on Bye Bye Little Sad House! It was a boy. I wish it didnt have to be this way, but this is the decision I have made. I needed the blackness of the night that only exists due to this little frienemy of mine. She sent me a picture of it today. To cry. Well, not insane, but intense. Your daddy keeps telling me that Im wiped out due to growing a home for your baby brother or sister. I went to see Dr. JoRo. Im up out of my sickness coma. Today was one of those days where I just could not stop crying. I sat quietly in your room for a while. Things like this dont even happen in the fucking movies so how can they possibly happen, in real life? One I would have never went down before if you had never died. Having my own office, is going to help so much. I dont know what this dream meant. 34 and being pregnant can suck it. Ronan will be a part of both of their names, regardless of the sex of the baby. I saw a cat in our driveway and right behind that, a big raccoon. So typical. I hurt badly from this and I only get to feel this on a small scale compared to you. This weekend is a busy one. Trust me. Ronan. You should have been causing trouble somewhere like I know you would be doing, if you were here. I never have and never will. I hope you are safe. I hope you are safe. I might have to end this now. Lights out for the next 7 hours. I just continued to cry into the phone for the next few minutes while he just sat and listened. The day you left me is almost here. We also know some changes are going to have to come, in order to start raising the serious about of money, that we want to raise. Reply. I think I will try not to die from the pain of physically feeling, with every cell in my body, that you are not here. Call me. I told her about the gift I needed to find. No eating required. Ive been telling myself all day things like your death, isnt really real. Do I need to get on a plane to come home? Ive been trying all week to get over to PCH to grab your Captain Rex costume that we used to decorate the Christmas Tree. Ronan. You dont have anything to prove to me, o.k. I love you. She has our attention. Its our peaceful time to spend with you and the small time out of my day that I try to take for myself to be with my grief/plot how Im going to take over this fucked up world. You being sick, unable to do things, just does not go hand in hand. the chucking continues. I worry about her so much already. All I know is this is the way it is. I hope you are safe. From somebody named Tree. Everything feels extra heavy, hard, sad, and the slightest things take up every ounce of energy I have just to get through the day. Thats all for tonight. Ive been trying to get us all ready for our second Christmas, without you. I just miss him so much., I could see the way his eyes were starting to form tears as he said to me, You just spent the past week talking all about Ronan in New York. You have to carry this around with you forever, while the ones who cared about Ronan, your family, your friends, get to go on with their lives. Ive noticed my heart racing a lot like I am having panic attacks again. I miss you. Watch out childhood cancer! with you being somewhere else. I am dying to see our Fairy RoMo, as well. I hope you are safe. Ill keep you posted on when things are ready. THANK YOU. I know what I've been doing. I am sorry. A big city is not where we need to be right now. She has given me such a gift already and she is only a week old. My days are so consumed with trying to be the best mama to your brothers and sister. How do I even put into words, who he is? Of course Im cutting it close with not being able to fly due to being so far along in my pregnancy, but Im cutting it just close enough that I will make it. I think Lacrosse is a good start. Ronans dead. Thank you. I just sat and cried into the phone. I told them what I have been thinking. He made me promise that I would rest and put my feet up. I think I told you that I tried to prep, with Dr. JoRo about this whole getting pregnant thing. Because he is the best daddy ever, he will. I was mesmerized by her. I will forever be sorry, sad, and brokenhearted. You always make sure of this. After the race I got a chance to meet some really lovely people who all love you so much. Pretty soon, Poppy was on the big screen. Staying in bed, in NOT good for my mental well being. I know Poppy is going to help us find our way a little more, too. I cannot seem to function. Everything was so simple and so easy. I started to cry. I hope you are safe. Another one of those crazy, good days where something so big happens, that I have seriously been jumping up and down all day long. Ronan. And the people that work in this building, could not be lovelier! Our Rachel that feels like a younger sister to me. It was game over. I love the way we gather around our kitchen table, somebody always brings food, and we get down to business. Then perfect your baby has cancer, Ronan but we cant fix him. I had visions of all the other angry people, right there with me. I kind of crawled over to him and gave him a big hug. Kass. Our Fairy RoMo. I was in a world that I normally dont live in anymore. I guess I wrote a lot about having another baby when you were still here. But you are doing such amazing things and even if you cant see it now, you are changing the world because of him and because of your pain. I sat, listened, and fought back my tears the entire time that I was with him. Its not my choice, its yours. Clutch phone to look at your face. I dont think there is any deciding until we actually see this baby girl. As we were sitting there waiting, Mandy goes, You know you can find out the sex of the baby here, right? I told her I wasnt aware of that as I thought I had to wait until I saw my OBGYN in a couple more weeks. Since you cannot be here, to kick ass at this sport, I now feel like I should do this for you. To feel everything I know I am going to be feeling. There is no other way to explain how that man knows the darkest parts of my soul and heart, yet he is not afraid. It was weird and creepy and I was so sad when this morning when I didnt have you to tell my story to. I was walking back to my car and I just fucking lost it. Because you know the world I live in now, and you know I am scared shes going to die if you let me go to my due date. Because I know you would want it to be this way. You were the best thing thats ever been mine. I will fight on, not because I am strong but because I wont fail you or let you down. I choose to live to honor you and everything you stood for which was strength, courage, and fearlessness. He has saved my life and for that, I have you to thank. I don't have any idea who that is." I looked up at Mr. Sparkly Eyes, and yes, his eyes still sparkle. I know you are doing these things for the RIGHT reasons and nothing more than that. Its like Im just now getting the memo, Hi, youre pregnant! No wonder I have been feeling like crap lately. Starr was a mainstay for numerous wrestling territories throughout the 1970s and 80s, capturing almost three dozen championships throughout his career [4] including two reigns as NWA World Junior . It will be a trip packed with a lot of business, but a lot of fun as well. He knows that too. I let it continue to play. I love that man and the concert was unreal. A heavy wave of sadness washed over me. How much you wanted a baby sister. I love you so much. My shot didnt hurt for me today. Instead, I grabbed Rachel and took her with me. Seems nobody wants to take on that topic. My nights have been spent writing and working on this book. It was my agent, Nena. As much as I hated to tell him this on the phone because he is in Vegas, there was NO way I couldnt tell him. What if I totally freak out and lose it? Please bring him back. Today you will be slapped in the face with the reminder that everything is AWESOME in AZ because it is a perfectly sunny happy fucking day. Im sure my feeling this way is due to a combination of things. I emailed her and told her I was there and that I wish had been there, speaking. Ro baby. I know we can change this. I was restless the night before due to this phone call even though I told myself I was just going to wing and speak from the heart, I still went to bed over-analyzing everything. That is so important to me. Last night, when I woke up in that hotel room, only to find your daddy and brothers, and you were nowhere to be found.. well, what can I say? I sat quietly and watched as he bounced your baby sister on his lap and kissed her up and down. I had a flashback of that time I was coming home from somewhere and as I pulled into our house, I could see all of you sitting at our table, eating dinner. I hate you. I miss you. I handed him the baby to hold and I was begging him to help me name this baby boy, as I could not think of a name. All fueled by everything Ronan. The most important thing of course that has been consuming me. I am not perfect. Throw up. Danielle. Oh, how you loved that thing. There was one person I had not told yet. It was the day after I had her. I told you that. Thank you for all the Roideas today. I met with quite a few people and will have some decisions to make. To me, this is a private time for our family. Nothing gets easier. with that. Your Master Yoda, your Spirit Hood, your gigi blanket. He asked me why I looked so perplexed. I look forward to hearing her speak tomorrow. Sooooooo New York!!! She needs a break and this trip is just what the doctor ordered. It has nothing to do with science. I dont get to scold you when you are being naughty The only way I can get to you, is through these things that I am so desperately trying to do. Happy Birthday pic for our Mr. Sparkly Eyes. . Ronan. I dont do well with them. Its starting to annoy me. I could easily see myself sinking into a very depressed state of mind and not getting out of bed until Poppy is born. OMG. I miss you so much. Eventually, reality always comes back and smacks me in the face though. I lived in this world. It actually felt good. Its 4 a.m. Im not tired but my eyes burn and my brain is mush. I miss you so much. I peeked through our kitchen window from the outside of our house before going in. To make sure good things continue to go on, because of their baby? You should not be sitting there. As I said before, everything with your Poppy sister looks great, but I still sat and told Dr. Schwartz about how I made the ultrasound technician check for any type of mass in Poppys body. This is such a pattern, him in my dreams, always when I am dreaming about you in whatever way that I am. She lost her daughter to cancer. Somebody make this not real because it is too horrific. I let myself get lost in my baking. My phone rang. I love you, Ronan. I then just said to Macy, Im not doing this for myself. I am going to build something amazing with it. I am so excited to meet this beautiful gift you have given us. Our weekly little catch up that means everything to me. That is why it is so important to me to have most of my days, planned out. Woody called me from the plane and told me what had happened. Thanks as always for your love and support. I am trying not to panic about it all, but I said to your daddy tonight, We need to come up with alast minuteMay plan, because Icant behere. He promised me he would, so I am trying to relax a bit about it but it has still been keeping me awake at night. Reliving the things you went through, has not been fun and its not what I want this book to be about, so Ive been trying to make this section, as short as possible. New York was a good trip. When Im not writing to you on the blog, I feel like a bad mom to you. I choose to live in it. I miss you. Goodnight baby doll. Those are not problems. I had the flu. I felt a wave of goodness wash over me. You have a baby on the way. My board members told me I was a genius tonight. Everyone needs to check them out. Your brothers sat playing on their iPads and I was on the table, getting my little belly lubed up. I had Quinn call your Nana. I am so overwhelmed with every aspect in my life right now that I feel like a breakdown might be in order, just because I fucking deserve one. It wont be the real name for the baby. To bond. I will never understand why this is acceptable. Guess what? Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. This one has been in the works for a while but it is nothing I have been pursuing seriously. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. I miss you. Next month. A water for me. A little seal with the biggest eyes. She has been diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma, but luckily, it has been caught early, at Stage 1. There happiness is how I judge good days now. He knows that Ive been staying up late, working on this book and I listened to him as he said with urgency in his voice, that I need to get this done so I can Fuck Cancer. I know what the urgency meant. I still get mad a lot but I find that I am not as reactive with my anger. She has been keeping me on my toes and the determination that I see in her eyes reminds me so much of you. This is also just me, grabbing on to anything and everything I can, to still get to be your mama and parent you, Ronan. I have a lot of dreams. Sweet dreams, little one. As we drove to our hotel, I spent the majority of the car ride, quite, with tears streaming down my face. I will not ever forget the way you were treated like a lab rat by supposedly one of the best doctors in the world. THANK YOU. I cannot wait for next year and I am so proud to call this place, home. Its much too early for those. Now Im crying every single day, sometimes every single hour. Healthy and living and there should be nothing to complain about, ever. Ronans gone. Nobody knows that. But all the gratitude and good things will keep me going I promise you that. Because if I would have left that meeting today and had to report back to your daddy/board members about the conversation that was had, they would have all told me to get out of my fantasy world and back to reality. Everything is different. I had Dr. JoRo over to our house today. NYC with our Fairy RoMo is my paradise. I leave soon. Liam has been going on some runs with me at night, but I had no idea he could run 3.6 miles in 30 minutes. Fernanda came by the clinic and dropped me off a coffee (which I proceeded to knock over and spill) She called that, good luck. I miss my mom and your Papa Jim so very much. I hope you are safe. I listened to him like I always do. Not the other way around. Missing you. THANK YOU. I never thought I would have a girl, but have always felt like I was meant to have one. I didnt survive this. I cannot believe all the little blessings you are putting in our lives. How could anyone look at your face, and not be broken-hearted? I dont know why you continue to do things like this. My due date is April. Thanks for learning this lesson and letting it make you a better person. You two are going to be something else. I laughed and talked about you a little bit. I know they are not the most compelling words, but today they were the only thing I could muster up in my over active imagination to say. I woke up soon after that, totally freaked out by the baby in my dream, talking. Last night, Ronan, I had the most vivid dream. Showing her your picture. I picked up Starbucks. Our house still to me feels so empty and sad, without you here. She emailed me back to tell me that some of her colleagues were there, and she was sorry she could not attend. ? I said I was o.k. And maybe a little less sad. Im sitting in the parking lot. She would fall over if I became a vegetarian. This led to me bawling on the phone. Especially when I have to be at home, in this fucking quiet house, without you. In a conference room full of people, alligator tears were uncontrollable. How dull and empty I know this world is without you presence. It saw some of the most concentrated and bloodiest fights at the first world war . I hope you are safe. Tears of both happiness and sadness. I wake up exhausted. Finally, someone you can do all those girly things with that you love doing. I'm on my way home, and then I'm getting on a flight. I set up a little shrine in your room to sit and do my phone call in. I just feel like a mama who will do whatever it takes to continue fighting on for her child. I am really glad I did not die by the death of too many Cadbury Cream Eggs and The Kardashians. I decide to start today with, enough is enough. Dr. Schwartz calmly talked about when she could induce me and told me that she would not let me go to my due date because she knows the fear I have. Its just too perfect., Your daddy a.k.a. Of course I said, HECK YES! Because I dont like to say no to anything anymore especially if it can help with more awareness. Ambien won. Tomorrow is here, too. As far as an update goes, things here for the most part have been normal. Then perfect baby Ronan. She is a hard core vegetarian and has been so for over 20 years. Mascara and snot everywhere. She is one of the busiest women on the planet, but I so appreciated her taking the time to talk to me about anything and everything. Your room no longer seems so sad, empty and cold. I had an early appointment at The Fetal&Womens Center of Arizona. The thought of this made me laugh due to Dr. Jo. What is your daughters name? She just looked at me and said, Ireland. I smiled and said, Its beautiful. That has been our girl name, for about 10 years. Alone. Its the Who is Mr. Sparkly Eyes. A lot of you, ask that in my comments. I have to make you proud, Ronan. I dont think Ive ever seen a raccoon in Arizona before. I trust in you. I remember the sight of that, made me so happy, that I snapped a picture of it. I threw off my clothes, washed my face, and curled up in your bed. I was hoping she wasnt thinking, Who is this crazed stalker with purple hair?? They are so not cool with it. We had a little debate that I took a stance on and refused to back down. Ill just stick with pie for now. He always knows how to cheer me up, but I was still left a little shaken. The screaming wont stop now. I tell her stories about you, I tell her how much you love her and are watching over her, I tell her how lucky she is to have you as a big brother and Liam and Quinn as well. Thank you for the dinner, you are the sweetest. He had read my last blog post about how barbaric the cancer world is. I am allowing myself to have about an hour a day in bed, not the entire freaking day. I couldnt take it. I cannot believe that this is my life. I know the pain of losing a child, at any age, is awful. on I Dont Know What To Expect When ImExpecting. That will never go away. He was proud of the advice he gave me that I listened to. Not crying. I would give anything to be with you, through. I am doing the best I can, working as fast as I can, but I also know this cannot be rushed. Mandy chirped up, Can you tell the sex of the baby today? The technician told her she indeed could. Please work harder because there is a reason you are here. on Only Eddie Vedder could drink wine on a stage and make it lookbadass. Wouldnt every mama walk to the end of the earth to make sure their childs legacy lives on? When I did finally wake up, I felt like I had been hit by a truck; several times. And how in the world am I living without him? I am heartbroken at the way our cancer kids are just brushed aside as if they are a dirty little secret. I had the talk with Stacy and Fernanda this week. We have about one idea for a first name. To feel sad. Peach Pie, Apple Pie, Cherry Pie yes please. I cant even begin to think about a nursery. You are back now so please just take these next few days to just stop. THANK YOU. Your sweet little face. Who am I kidding. Ive spent about the past year, avoiding our house during the day, because I hate it so much without you here. I am floored. I dont remember that, but apparently I wrote it so it must be true. He said he knew it. Swallow pill. We shared some fruit and nuts. Sweet dreams, little man. I think deep down, I knew it too, but the confirmation was nice today.
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